Today is our last full day in China. I have not been posting on the blog, unfortunately. During nap time I’ve been trying to be so quiet so she would sleep, and at bedtime, I’m just too darn tired! I’ve tried to keep family and friends updated through Facebook, though I know some of you don’t use that social media. I’m sorry for the gap in communication. I’ll try to summarize what’s been going on for the last two weeks, but it will take a while! I'll edit this post when I return with pictures. Due to slow internet, it takes too long to add them in here.
After our time in Beijing, we flew to Zhengzhou, which is in Henan Province. This is Ai Lan’s hometown. On December 16th at around 11:00 AM we met Ai Lan in person for the first time and took her with us. Our first meeting went pretty much as I expected. We were taken to a room by our host from Holt where a few other kids had already met their parents. It was interesting…one baby girl was playing happily with her parents, and one sat in the corner with a stunned look on his face. One family from Sweden, whom we had already spoken to at the hotel, was disappointed to have to leave without their son, who was delayed on the train. My nerves were on high alert. My heart was pounding. I stood clutching a doll and praying that eventually Ai Lan could learn to love us, though I knew with near certainty that wouldn’t be her immediate reaction.
Then outside the glass doors a van pulls up. Adults and children start piling out. It’s them. And I see her, carried by a woman. She was wearing a pink coat and a mint green hat and scarf…bundled heavily from the cold.
I stood away from the door and as the woman carried Ai Lan in, Ai Lan took one look at us, and as if she recognized us from the pictures we had sent, a flicker of realization flashed on her face. And then she burst into tears…screaming! I was right. She was NOT pleased. As she handed Ai Lan to me, she tried to pull away but I spoke softly into her ear and stroked her hair, and miracles of miracles, she stopped crying after a few minutes.
But then I lost it. I could’t hold back the tears any longer. A year of emotions came flooding through my heart and it was more than I could contain. I tried to cry silently so that it would not frighten Ai Lan, but the tears were streaming fast. There were tears of joy to hold the girl that I had been longing for over a year. There were tears of relief to see her healthy. There were tears of sadness for the loss and trauma that WE were putting her through by taking her from her foster family…those women and children whom she had loved dearly. And unexpectantly, I had tears of anger. How could anyone not want this God-formed child? How could she be left behind simply because she had a patch of skin on her face that didn’t match the rest? How is that kind of inhumanity even possible? I didn’t expect these kind of tears, but I do expect that I’ll see them again some day when Ai Lan asks these same questions about her own adoption story.
And then came…silence. The crying lasted no more than a few minutes and Ai Lan’s eyes glassed over and she went into a stunned stupor. She couldn’t look at us. She looked right through us actually. No eye contact what so ever. Within a minute it seemed she had fallen asleep on my chest, legs wrapped around my waist
We were forced to wake her up for a picture for the government, and she fussed again but never really cried. Dan carried her back out to the van and she kept her eyes open for about 3 minutes then fell back asleep.
We arrived in the hotel room and immediately removed some of her 18 layers of clothing (5 actually but I was sweating just looking at her). And then a most unexpected thing happened. She scooted off the side of the bed and toddled right into Dan’s arms. He scooped her up, his eyes welled with tears, and he said, “Well if she wanted to melt my heart that was the way to do it.” It was precious.
We immediately tried to Facetime with our parents and kids who were anxiously awaiting to see her. While they oohed and ahhhed over her, she continued to look stunned and avoided eye contact, often just closing her eyes to shut out the trauma. I can’t possibly imagine how she felt.
The next hour was spent sleeping on my chest while I sat in a comfy chair. We had planned to visit her foster home later in the week and I began to have serious doubts as to whether that was a good idea. It was something I knew we’d have to figure out in the next day or so.
Lunch time rolled around and though we knew it was a gamble, we decided to go find her some noodles and see if she would eat. We headed to a nearby hotel restaurant, ordered some noodle bowls, and as Ai Lan looked around, and looked at us, we got our own Christmas miracle.
You know those nature videos that show a sped up video of a flower blooming? That reminds me of the next 24 hours. It’s like the warm sun came out and suddenly Ai Lan emerged from her cave of despair…a true awakening. By the end of our meal I saw many, many glimpses of the Ai Lan I’d seen from her pictures and videos…laughing, smiling, hamming, chatting…she even called Dan “Baba,” which is Chinese for daddy.
She can throw down a massive amount of food, says “hi” to all the staff in the hotel and any stranger that dares to give us more than a two second stare, learned to high five, danced, sang, and giggled her way even more into our hearts. At dinner she serenaded us and another family of 6 with an adorable song complete with hand motions. We had no idea what she was singing but gosh darn it if it wasn’t the cutest thing I ever saw. On the 15 minute walk back from the restaurant to the hotel that night, she rode high on Daddy’s shoulders, singing the whole way, like a little queen.
We gave her a bath and she scrubbed her little body like a champ! We played, sang songs, looked through multiple photo albums that she brought with her (she pointed out and named all her favorite people), and ended the night with a prayer.
And then a moment came for which I’ll forever be indebted to her foster moms for. At bedtime, I didn’t know whether she’d want to sleep with us or in the crib, but she toddled over to the crib, be lifted her in, she laid right down, that thumb went straight to her mouth, and she never made a peep. She slept from 9 pm to 6:15 and we actually had to wake her up! I’m in heaven. For those of you who know me well know I cherish my sleep, so having a daughter come to me sleep trained was a beautiful, beautiful thing.
And just like that, our first day was done.
The following morning we returned to the Civil Affairs office and the adoption was finalized in the most understated ceremony possible. After all the paperwork, the home study, the classes, the waiting, the phone calls, the fundraising, the planning, the traveling, and the stress, we were basically told, “You have been entrusted this child by the People’s Republic of China. Best wishes to you.” And there you have it. It may have been simple to them, but to us, it was a long, amazing, and sometimes painful journey that has really just begun. But thankfully we could not say in no uncertain terms, “Ai Lan is our daughter.” It was legal.
The next few days were filled with government appointments, a little sightseeing, and learning how to interact with Ai Lan. There were so many happy, fun, joy filled moments. Ai Lan can be charming, happy, funny, and so endearing. But she is a normal person with many dimensions, and her emotions are not one dimensional by far. Several things became clear quite soon. First, Ai Lan is almost three, and she acts like an almost three year old who has been catered to much of her life. While she had been obviously cared for well by the foster home, she must not have been told “no” much, because she is NOT a happy camper when not allowed her way. Here motto is, “My way, right away.” And she can be downright obstinate and do the exact opposite of what we ask her to do, even when it’s simple request like, “Please walk from the hallway into our hotel room.” She has crumbling to the ground like a limp rag down to a science, and it doesn’t matter who is looking. And if you take something away that she wants yet is misusing, she’ll let you know she didn’t appreciate it by a loud scream and crying. And when you infringe on her territory or do something she finds unappealing, she makes this sound like a kiss, then a long “shhhhh.” We thought it was funny at first but believe me, it gets old fast when you hear it every time you dip your OWN french fry into your OWN ketchup. And if looks could kill, I’d be dead 50 time over by now. It’s going to be a LONG road in disciplining this little child, and will require much understanding, gentleness, and love. I can already see that some days are going to be hard. Really, really hard. But she’s worth every minute.
Second thing to become clear quite soon was that Ai Lan has whole heartedly accepted Dan as her father, and for the most part, rejected me as her mother. Don’t panic folks. This is VERY common and not permanent. In fact, most of the couples in our group experienced this to some degree, some worse than us, some better than us. Rejection of one parent is practically universal for adopted children, and often it is the mother. But think about it this way. For the past two years, Ai Lan has had a mother figure she called “Mama.” All she knows is her foster mom, and here comes this white lady who points to herself and says, “I’m Mama!” I try to imagine if someone came up to me and said, “Miriam, the woman you called mother, Maureen, is no longer your mom. Your new mom is this stranger from another country who does not speak your language, look like you, eat your food, or live in your country. Don’t worry, eventually you will learn to love her like you loved Maureen.” Of course I would reject this idea, this woman. I don’t want another mom. I want MY mom. This is the trauma of adoption, folks. This is why being adopted isn’t this magic door into happiness. Adoption means loss many times over. Adoption means removing a child from familiarity, even if it is in their best interest. Adoption is confusing for the the adopted child. And thus, the rejection.
Ai Lan will rarely let me hold her. She pushes me out of the way when I get to close to Dan. She gets angry when Dan holds my hand or kisses or hugs me. She won’t kiss or hug me. She won’t hold my hand. She rarely responds to my encouragement. She won’t sit on my lap. She will say hi and ask shake hands with every other mom in our travel group but purposely avoid me. She allows me to take care of her basic needs, such as feeding her, clothing her, changing her, bathing her, brushing her teeth, but almost like I’m her servant, not someone to be loved or respected. She is often only nice to me when she wants something from me, like a treat. She’ll snuggle with Dan all day, but I’m pretty much chopped liver. If you know anything about brain chemistry, you’ll know that this lack of physical touch between us means that no oxytocin, the bonding chemical, is being released in either of our brains, which makes it hard to feel that warm fuzzy feeling toward each other.
But I’m adult enough to move beyond needing my brain chemistry to tell me I love this girl. My heart tells me that over time, and with God’s handiwork, this girl will begin to open up to me. It happens over and over in other families. Dad goes back to work and the newly adopted child is eventually forced to rely on mom for having needs met, and slowly this opens the doors for more and more intimate interactions and physical touch than does release oxytocin. But for now, my love for Ai Lan is a choice I’m making…it isn’t coming natural. But she is SO worth it.
A side effect of this mommy rejection is that Dan has been saddled with much of the care for Ai Lan, and he is pretty tired by the end of our trip. Thankfully we bought a stroller that she will sit in, but when she has to be held, it’s all Dan. And when we are on the bus or plane, it’s all Dan. He is happy to do it, and the other side of the coin is that he gets all the hugs, kisses, and cuddles, so I guess it’s the price you pay for being the favorite!
And when she is in a good mood…watch out! No one is more fun, more cute, more hilarious than this child. Her antics have made us crack up multiple times a day. She knows how to charm, that is for sure.
We did eventually decide to visit her foster home for two reasons. One was that I was given a care package by an adoptive family that I needed to deliver to their son that they have been matched with, and also many of our friends and family donated bottles of liquid vitamin drops that I needed to deliver as well. We also brought 13 tippy cups for the kids in Swallow’s Nest. The other was that I really, really wanted pictures of her home for the past two years, talk to her caregivers, thank them for everything they have done for Ai Lan, get pictures of them so that Ai Lan will have something to look back on when she is older, and get answers to a few questions. We found out that in fact Ai Lan was NOT having seizures (we knew this immediately when we received her and no medication, but didn’t get the back story until we arrived at Swallow’s Nest). She did have one seizure in the hospital when she got sick back in August, and was on meds for a few days, but they took her off soon after and she’s been fine since. This is GREAT news! We were so happy to hear that her SWS isn’t as progressed as we thought. We also found out that she was in the orphanage fro 3 months to 10 months, then was brought to Swallow’s Nest. Her caregivers obviously loved her so much as they were uber excited to see her again. They actually greeted us by ripping Ai Lan out of Dan’s arms, and Ai Lan began crying They passed her around and she bawled until the “mama” got a hold of her and calmed her down. We chatted a while, took a few pictures, and it was time to go. I was nervous that Ai Lan would cry again and not want to leave. But I was shocked when she said goodbye and left without a single tear!
We also visited Ai Lan’s “finding place” that day. If you don’t mind, I’m going to keep that part of Ai Lan’s story just in our family. When Ai Lan gets older, if she wants to share it, that’s fine by us. But we figure that’s her story to tell, not ours.
Moving forward, we travelled to Guangzhou on Dec 20. This is where the US Consulate is located and we need to spend time here so that we can get Ai Lan’s US Immigration paperwork in order and receive her travel visa. This included a medical exam and a meeting a few days later at the Consulate. The staff here has been wonderful and move our large group of families through quickly and efficiently. Unfortunately and fortunately, our time here has been short of necessary appointments and long of wait time for paperwork to be processed, so while it keeps us from returning home quickly, it does also give us time to see the local sights, of which there are many.
Some of our most notable tourists trips were to an area of town called Shamian Island.” It is where the US Consulate used to be located, but the hotel that serviced adoptive families, The White Swan, is being renovated, and the location for the consulate moved to more of a downtown region of the city. But Shamian Island was built in the early 20th century in a very European style, and it is quite beautiful. We actually attended a Christian church service there on Sunday morning, and the service was in Mandarine and English. We actually were able to see their Sunday School kids put on a very sweet concert, and I’ll tell you what, listening to them sing “Jesus Loves Me” in English brought tears to my eyes. I even got it on video!
Our travel group also attended a safari park where we drove through in a trolley in one part and walked through in another to see all sorts of animals, some free-roaming even! They had elephants, giraffes, Siberian tigers, bears, antelope, zebra, emus, ostrich, giant pandas, orangutangs, lemurs, hippos, rinos, and so, so much more! I can’t possibly name them all! They also and an area of the part that had life-size robotic dinosaurs that was pretty amazing. You know that dinosaur in Jurassic Park that looks sweet until it’s neck flares out? Yeah, well I got squirted square in the face by that little bugger. Didn’t see that coming. I’m quite fond of the St. Louis and San Diego zoos, but I have to say, I think this may have come out on top. It was quite the sight to see. Loved our time there.
We also took a night river cruise down the Pearl River on Christmas Eve. The Chinese take pride in their modern cities, and they like to light things up in multi-colored, changing lights. Bridges, radio towers, stadiums, high rises, parks, piers…they were all shining works of art! It was really fun to see and the boat we rode on was called a “Dragon Boat,” designed in the old style. It was definitely a unique Christmas Eve experience. Our dinner on the boat…Papa John’s pizza. I kid you not.
We were told that navigating the roads and trying to get to church services was a bad idea for foreigners. So instead Dan held a 30 minute Christmas Eve service for any adopting families at the hotel with us. We made song sheets and sang carols, read the important scriptures, and Dan gave a nice (but short) message about the verse that tells of the Messiah being the “shoot of David,” coming out of the stump that was Israel. He drew parallels to our adoptions and that of Jesus by Joseph, for David was actually in Joseph’s lineage, not Mary’s. Therefore, Jesus was adopted by Joseph into the line of David. How cool is that?
Christmas Day was, well, non-traditional. We had a free day and not much to do. In the morning, another mom and I hired a guide to take us through the city to find the souvenirs an gifts we needed to bring back to family. That took us 5 hours. Ugh. Dan and the other dad wisely stayed back and took the girls to the park. I can only imagine how crazy it looked to the locals to see two American men carrying around Chinese kids with no women in sight. When we returned from shopping, we went back to the park for an hour or so, then grabbed a bit for dinner, and just like that, Christmas was over. I missed our traditions terribly, and though being in China on the actual holiday was worth it because it meant Ai Lan didn’t send another Christmas as an orphan, I’ll be glad to return home and re-create our Christmas with all our kids.
Strangely, Christmas is highly noted here but completely secularized. Every building is decorated with gigantic and elaborately decorated trees, garlands around every pillar, wreaths surrounding every room, snowflakes and gigantic ornaments hanging over head, Christmas music piped through the speakers (only secular music, no religious carols), and there is a Santa head on every business window. But on Christmas day, it was business as usual. No one except the US Consulate and Holt office was closed. No one batted an eye. All that decorating and no one even bothered to celebrate! It was a gloomy insight into what happens when you remove God from a country. It was all about marketing. I thought, let this be a warning to our own country. We must continue to fight for religious freedom and for the foundations that our forefathers laid for our country…one nation under God. When you remove God from the story, it becomes a pitiful, meaningless act of stimulating the economy. We are so very, very close to tipping the scale in that direction. I’ve seen first hand how tragic that is.
And that bring us to Dec 26th, our last full day in China. Today we headed toward a museum that was literally a two minute walk from our hotel. We saw it on the map and thought, for a change of pace, we’d give it a try. We didn’t know what to expect. It was one of those experiences where when you are done you think, “What if I hadn’t just decided to give it a try…think what I would have missed!” Folks, imagine that you were in the middle of a city which was completely modern, but you walk out your hotel, down the sidewalk, and into a museum which holds, I kid you not, the actual tomb of a king whose dynasty was older than Jesus? That’s what we just did. When construction workers were digging into a hill to begin building a high rise apartment in 1982, they hit something hard, only to find it was the tomb of a king who lived over 2000 years ago! And it was full of artifacts never recovered anywhere else…a virtual treasure trove of ancient history! We got to literally walk INSIDE this tomb, and see every artifact that was cleaned off set behind glass in the rest of the museum. It was truly an amazing sight. I am so grateful for that opportunity to look into such an ancient world, and especially that of my daughter’s people. She didn’t appreciate it as much as we did of course, but maybe some day we can return with her when she will. And to think…builders were THIS CLOSE to covering up this treasure with an apartment building! Makes you wonder what other treasures have been lost forever in the name of progress.
Tomorrow we leave at 5:30 am for a long journey home. I for one am ready to return, and I know Dan is too. But can you keep our daughter in your prayers? Leaving China means leaving home, familiarity, and national identity, not going home. Her culture shock is about to get very real, and very hard. Whatever adoption trauma she has experienced will get worse before it gets better. So pray for her little heart and head, that she feels our love for her and eventually learns to cling to us, and pray that God gives her comfort and peace through it all.
Our love to all our supporters. God bless you!
