Ai Lan

One other thing I need to tell you about our  new daughter...her real name is Ai Lan, which means "love orchid."  She was given the western name of Adele for the purpose of the adoption agencies.  But after watching her caregivers play with her and call her Ai Lan in some video footage we have received, we have decided that we love her Chinese name, and plan to use that as her name once she makes it to the US.  She'll be nearly three or more by the time we get her home, and changing her name to Adele doesn't seem to make sense to us.  We think she'll be much more comfortable with keeping her name.  And they call her "La La" as a nickname, which I think is adorable, so we'll keep that too!  So from now on, we won't be referring to her as Adele, but Ai Lan!

Unexpected Gifts

 It was early November, and Dan and I had just decided...literally two days before, that we would begin to pursue the option of adoption.  We were given the gift of a few days away from the kids by his parents, and in a timeshare in Tahoe, we watched the movie "October Baby," which touched off the tearful and heartfelt conversation about adoption that led us to the decision that we would begin the process. We didn't even know if we were planning on adopting domestically or internationally, and what agency we would use.  There were so many unknowns.  We vowed to take it step by step, doing research on all our options, and making educated, well thought out choices.  We knew that eventually we would become very emotionally invested in some child that was referred to us, but for now, we were strictly on a fact finding mission.  It was business, business, business.

That is, until I looked at the waiting child photo listing on the Holt International website just two days later.  The very first baby on the China page nearly took my breath away.  Her chubby cheeks, perfect lips, and big, almond shaped eyes grabbed my heart.  She had an obvious port wine stain on her face, but I already have a daughter with a port wine stain, so to me it was a non-issue...I am able to see right through it.  I read her profile to discover that an MRI has confirmed that this girl, nicknamed with the western name "Adele," has Sturge-Weber Syndrome.  I had never heard of it.  I Googled it and found a foundation that raises awareness and funding for research for people with Sturge-Weber Syndrome (SWS).  I quickly discovered it is an extremely rare neurological disorder that varies greatly in those it affects, and that it is often noticed with the presence of a port wine stain, seizures, glaucoma, and a variety of other symptoms.  Now normally, I think the mention of a neurological disorder would have scared me away, but to be perfectly honest, a great sense of peace came over me when it came to Adele.  Her profile made no mention of seizures or glaucoma, which doesn't mean that she won't develop it later, but it seemed that as of now, she was developing normally and that her only symptom was the port wine stain.  I thought, "We could totally handle this."

It was completely illogical.  We hadn't even decided if we wanted to adopt internationally or domestically.  We hadn't even decided to use Holt as our adoption agency.  We hadn't even told anyone that we were even considering adoption!  I told myself that there was no way that this child would ever be available for adoption by our family by the time we were eligible to request her, so I might as well put the thought out of my brain.  I wasn't even able to tell Dan that I was unexplainably drawn toward this child...being the less emotional of the two of us, I was sure he would have told me to simmer down...we were a long way away from getting our heart set on a child.  And he would have been right.  I had no business wanting this child.  No business at all.

But I did.  I wanted her so bad that I laid awake at night wondering how she was doing.  I prayed for her every day, that some family would adopt her and love her the way she deserved to be loved, even if that family wasn't ours.  I even used my I-Phone to take a screen shot of her picture on the photolisting, and when I was sure no one was looking, I would stare at her perfect little face.  It was absurd.  I was torturing myself.  I was too ashamed of my longing for Adele to admit it to anyone except God.

"...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."  Philippians 4:6

But God was listening.  Oh was he listening.  Over the next month, we began to move forward and closer to making a decision about our adoption process, choosing Holt International.  My brother and sister-in-law, Matt and Traci, had adopted though them about a year and a half ago, so we knew we were in good hands.  We had a very small group of friends enlisted to pray that God would match us with the child he wanted us to have.  We listened to his "still, small voice" that led us eventually to choose China.  And on December 19, we turned in our initial application to Holt International.  By then I had talked to Dan about Adele, showing him her picture and sharing with him what I had learned about Sturge-Weber Syndrome.  I had gotten in touch with the SWS Foundation, who referred me to other families in the US who had adopted children from China with either SWS or a port wine stain, and they encouraged us to consider Adele.  And every day, I looked at the Holt website expecting to see the words, "I have a family!" under her precious face, for who wouldn't want this angel?  I'd never get to her in time, I told myself.  

Christmas festivities brought fun-filled celebrations and the official announcements to our family that we were adopting from China.  They were excited along with us.  I shared with my sister-in-law, Traci, and my brother, Matt, that we had our eye on one little girl in particular, but that chances are we'd not be far enough along in the process to get a chance at her.  But Traci, God love her, fell so in love with her as well that I knew I'd soon have an ally in my prayers.  

My kids quickly learned how to use the computer to search though the Holt photo listing at the kids ready for adoption.  I swear they would take about a dozen of them without hesitation.  Watching them fawn over these children, all of whom have special needs, warmed this Mama's heart.  I thought, "They get what we've been trying to teach them all these years...that God has a plan and a purpose for each person conceived in this world.  They totally get it."  Emily commented to me that she liked so many of the children, but she particularly loved Adele (with no prompting from me, might I add).  I told her that I agreed with her, but that God already knew who we would adopt, and that may or may not be Adele (spoken more to myself than to Emily).  Emily responded with, "Okay, but is it alright if I pray that God give us Adele?"  I thought for a moment then responded, "Sure it is!  God says that we should be bold and pray for the desires of our hearts.  But Emily, you just need to be okay if God says, 'No.'"  Again, I was speaking to myself just as much as I was speaking to her.

On December 26, I sent a request to Holt asking for more information about Adele, not even sure if they would grant my request since I had literally turned in our application just a week earlier and had almost no paperwork done yet.  Much to my surprise, I received an email back from them with Adele's file.  It listed her medical records, the story behind why she was to be adopted, her current development status, and 9 glorious pictures of her.  

We crowded around the computer, all 6 of us, and ooh'ed and ahhh'ed over Adele and her absolute adorableness.  The kids longingly repeated, "I want her sooooo baaaaaad!"  I want her so bad, too, I thought.  And for the first time, I finally allowed myself the possibility of thinking that God just might grant me this longing of my heart.  

On December 28, I took Adele's file and medical records to our good friend Michael, who is a pediatrician...one of the best in the Central Valley.  He answered a few questions for us but admitted he didn't know much about SWS, probably less than we did considering I had done so much research about it already.  He offered to forward her file to a pediatric neurologist to see what he suggested.  I agreed.  The only thing is, we didn't have much time to waffle on this decision of whether we wanted her or not.  You see, Holt had informed me when they sent Adele's file that her time on Holt's website was coming to a close, and she would soon be returning to the "shared list" in China, which means that every person adopting in the world, not just through Holt, would be able to request her.  I was suddenly faced with the reality that my window of opportunity was closing fast.  Surely once her face was posted for the entire world of adopting parents to see, some person who had already finished their home study and dossier would get first dibs on her.  I mean, how could someone not want this beautiful child when I wanted nothing more?  Then I heard words spoken to me that completely shocked me.  "She's been on our list for a while and no one has wanted her.  She's an absolute doll, and several other couples have been very interested in her but backed out when it was confirmed that she had Sturge-Weber Syndrome.  We already requested an extension from China to keep her off the shared list and on our list, so I'm fairly sure that they would not grant another extension.  They could take her off our list any moment they choose. If you want her, you need to tell us now."

By now, Dan and I had talked about Adele quite a bit.  We weighed the consequences of adopting a child that was currently healthy and developing normally yet could, at any moment, begin having seizures, glaucoma, or other problems.  How would that impact our marriage?  How would that impact our children?  Were we equipped to handle the unknowns?  We we willing to change our lifestyle in order to love this child as if she were born into our family?  By the morning of December 29, I fired off an email to Holt telling them that Dan and I were willing to parent Adele and would do whatever we needed in order to make it happen.  When I hit "send" on that email, I said a prayer that God's will be done.

The following day was Sunday, and also my youngest son, Isaac's, 5th birthday.  Dan is a pastor at St. Andrew's Lutheran Church here in Stockton, and he announced that 5 years ago today, he had un-expectantly missed church that morning because I had gone into labor two weeks early.  We all got a chuckle from that memory.  Then he announced that it seemed appropriate that today of all days, we get to announce to everyone that we were starting the process of adopting internationally.  Our congregation rocks, by they way, and we got lots of hugs and congratulations.  I knew they would support us as they always do.  It's good to be a part of a family of believers.  I made an announcement later that day on Facebook.  It was official and the whole world new it.

I had no idea that just the following day, the last day of 2012, our world would change forever.

I had scheduled a phone meeting with Holt for Dec 31 to begin our home study process.  When we talked to the representative from Holt, she started the conversation with, 'Well you have a cutie here!"  Excuse me?  We do?  What exactly does she mean, "we have her."  I asked for clarification, saying that I had sent an email to Holt letting them know of our intentions, but hadn't heard back, and it was only 10 am on Monday morning, so I had yet to hear from the China office.  She said it looks like they received our email but just hadn't contacted us yet.  My stomach flip-flopped.  Oh my goodness...this might just happen!

Two hours later, I get a call from the China office that they had indeed received our request and were happy to grant it as long as it was in their power.  Problem was, it was New Years Eve, the office closed at 4, and Adele was sure to be taken off the Holt list and put onto the shared list by the following day.  "I'm going to send you an email with some documents you need to fill out and send in by 2 if we have any hope of getting Adele for you."  At that point, I would have hiked up and down Half-Dome in the next two hours if that was what it took to make this child ours.  Luckily, it wasn't that complicated.

At 3:30 pm, I was doing the dishes and Emily asked if she could once again search through the China photo listing...just for fun.  I helped her get onto the website, noting sweet Adele's face once more.  Emily walked of the room.  Fifteen minutes later, she returned to the kitchen with a puzzled look on her face.  "Mommy?  What does this mean?"  

I looked down at the I-Pad.  My heart jumped into my throat.  Dear God, you've done it.  You've made the impossible possible.  You heard our prayers.  You granted us the desires of our heart because we were bold enough to share them with you.  My knees were weak.  Tears streamed down my face.  I looked stunned at Emily and said, "That means she's ours."

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

With 15 minutes to spare, God gave us our daughter.  She's an ocean away, and the process to bring her home will be laborious, difficult, and heart wrenching.  We will have to raise nearly $30,000.  But there is no doubt in my mind...not one single doubt...that from the moment I first set my eyes on this child's face, God said, "She's yours, if you'll fight for her."  Sweet child, I promise you I won't rest until your home, and I'll fight for you every day after that as well.  You have a family.