The Final Hurdle...Gone!

Decisions

Waiting

Appointments

Paperwork

Waiting

Fundraisers

Prayers

Laughter

Waiting

Tears

Waiting

Nesting

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

And after all that, you finally reach that point where you are told, "Congratulations, you have received your Travel Approval."

And guess what, then you wait three and a half more weeks.  

 But...during that three and half more weeks you are:

Cooking

Cleaning

Nesting

Booking

Crying (I am leaving 4 children behind after all)

Prepping

Laughing

Painting (well we are)

Organizing

Packing

Decorating (For Christmas since I won't get home till Dec 20)

And Tying up Loose Ends

But then, we will kiss our kiddos goodbye (I want to puke just thinking about that), fly to China, get over our jet lag, and then suddenly, we will no longer be the parents of four.  We will instantly be the parents of five.  FIVE.  Oh sweet Jesus, I need you now more than ever.

And in my imaginary world, our sweet Ai Lan is going to come through that door, run into our arms, and plant a huge kiss on our cheeks, and we will laugh and cry tears of joy as we walk out proudly holding our new daughter.  But in reality, she will be scared to death.  She may not even want to look at us or allow us to hold her.  She may cry, and not the happy kind of cry.  She may scream.  She may run away from us or cling to the person who brought her in.  Or, she may let us hold her, but have the expression of being completely stunned.  Or a combination of some or all of these.  

In my utter joy at finally getting to call this beautiful child our daughter, I must remember that adoption means loss for Ai Lan.  Loss of her home.  Loss of her caregivers.  Loss of her friends.  Loss of her familiar foods.  Loss of her familiar smells.  Loss of her familiar facial shapes.  Loss of her language, loss of her identity.  The only thing we can allow her to fully retain is her name, and I am so, so very glad we are doing that.  It is pitiful offering but it's all we've got that day when we pick her up.  "Hey Ai Lan, you get to keep your name.  That's it."  Geez.  

Eventually, adoption won't mean all loss.  Eventually adoption will mean new family, new love, new language, new home, new smells, new food, pets, new fun, new laughter.  Eventually, after months or maybe years, and only if we do our job right, Ai Lan will learn to love us and her siblings the way we love her.  But never, for one moment, will I begrudge her the emotions that will come when she remembers her past and mourns those things that she has lost.  

He who is seated on the throne said, I am

 making everything new."

Revelation 21:5