The Pain in Waiting

As November comes closer and closer, my longing to hold Ai Lan seems to grow exponentially every day!  I fully admit it's an obsession.  I'm okay with that.  I do remember also a feeling of hopeful expectation that I experienced four times as I waited for my due date to arrive for my biological kids.  As a mom, your mind dwells on this child growing within your heart and womb every minute of every day, it seems.  But to be honest, this obsession I'm feeling with Ai Lan feels different in a way.  While I awaited the birth of David, Emily, Josie, and Isaac, my heart burst with joy because I knew that while I waited, they were in exactly the best possible place they could be...in my womb.  There they were safe.  There they were indeed closer to me than they every will be outside my body.  Their life was in perfect rhythm with mine.  I felt their kicks, their hiccups, their morning stretches.  Having them in my arms was beautiful because I was able to finally see their perfect little beings, but to be honest with you, I was a little sad that the time for them to grow within me was over (while at the same time, ready to be just me again...it's an odd feeling).

But with Ai Lan...the constant hopefulness of her arrival that I feel is tinged with an ache in my heart that I cannot fully describe.  I look forward to the opportunity to have her in my arms, as I did with my biological kids, but I mourn the days as they tick by and she's an ocean away.

An ocean away.  Still.  After 11 month of longing for her.

The rational part of me realizes that this long process is necessary to make sure that children are being protected from human trafficking and illegal immigration practices.  It's a good thing.  It really is.  But my daughter has been as good as mine in my heart for nearly 11 months, and she's still there, and I'm still here, and I hate that.  It makes me heartsick that I've missed her first steps, first words, first everything.  I've missed countless hugs and kisses.  I've missed countless opportunities to laugh at her antics.  And it could be nearly two whole months more of this.  Waiting for my biological kids to make their world debut was hopeful, expectant fun.  This wait, this adoption process of waiting for a child who is thousands of mile away...pain.  Sheer pain.

Lord...be my peace.  Father...watch over my daughter.  God...expedite our paperwork.  Jesus...bring her home to us.